by Yajna Jaglal
Understanding Death and Bereavement
Death is a natural aspect of life encountered by every organism and family. Despite its inevitability, each occurrence remains profoundly impactful, whether expected or unexpected, ultimately leading to great loss. This loss initiates the grieving process and bereavement. Bereavement refers to the pain of losing someone you love or are close to (Thompson, 2019), and is deeply intertwined with grief as well as the emotional and psychological process of dealing with that loss (Kübler-Ross, n.d.).
There are 5 common stages of grief and bereavement, namely:
Denial and Isolation: This stage may either begin before the death of a loved one (especially if they’re critically ill) or may ensue immediately after death. It is characterised by shock, fear, confusion, and avoidance (Gregory, 2020), often leading to emotional shut-off and withdrawal from others.
Anger: Feelings of anger, loneliness, anxiety, irritation, and uncertainty dominate this stage. These emotions may last for weeks to months, during which the person may be preoccupied with thoughts of the deceased and experience intense crying (Kübler-Ross, n.d.; Gregory, 2020).
Bargaining: This shorter stage involves the grieving person searching for meaning in their loss and beginning to reach out to others to share their story (Kübler-Ross, n.d.; Gregory, 2020).
Depression: Feelings of despair, discouragement, and apathy set in, leading to withdrawal, hostility, and excessive sadness (Kübler-Ross, n.d.; Gregory, 2020).
Acceptance: The final stage involves gradually accepting the loss and finding ways to adjust to life without the deceased. Acceptance does not mean the pain is over but represents a shift towards a new normal (Kübler-Ross, n.d.; Gregory, 2020).
A standard duration for each stage doesn’t exist because every person, circumstance, and bond with the deceased varies. Though societal responses to grief can vary, isolation remains a common reaction. Hence, we must be mindful of how we respond to those grieving. To be aware of how to respond, we must first understand the different dynamics. While there are many examples of observed societal responses and types of isolation, this article will discuss two categories: family response and community response.
Family Response
As much as it is expected that the family would be more understanding in the death of a loved one, this may not always be true. Family members can reach out to comfort one another; however, sometimes they don’t prefer to sit close to the bereaved. For example, in a recent case observed:
“A mother lost her son through death. A few days after the funeral, she wanted to come to help the other family members with their wedding preparations. This was her way of still trying to deal with the loss of her son by wanting to be ‘around people and to feel a sense of belonging’; however, she was told not to come and to only arrive on the wedding day.
And the reason for that was that the family believed that certain people are sensitive to people who have just lost their loved ones through death.”
This response made the bereaved mother feel rejected and alienated, exacerbating feelings of anger, depression, and loneliness. We need to understand that such reactions can delay a person's progress in coming to terms with their loss. Furthermore, cultural rituals or avoidance can mask a deeper rejection and unwillingness to engage with the bereaved. Sometimes, behind the so-called customs, or don’t “talk about it” attitudes, lies rejection and avoidance of dealing with the grieving parties. However, we need to remember that it's not as simple as saying an anti-depressant pill can fix this one.
Community Response
The COVID-19 pandemic has exacerbated community grief, as many have borne the loss of loved ones. The bereaved faced avoidance, hurtful questions, and insensitive comments. At other times, the bereaved faced difficulty in approaching others, due to the fear of rejection and privacy concerns. This fear hindered both those who sought and those who are offered support. According to Breen (2021 p.01) “the need to connect with others after loss is almost
universal, yet societies are more fragmented, lonely and physically distanced”. Having looked at these two categorical examples, one might ask ‘How should we then respond?’
We can respond by performing the following:
Unconditional love: We can display empathy and altruism, loving without conditions. This will alleviate factors such as avoidance and alienation and in turn, create a welcoming atmosphere for the bereaved.
Patience and Endurance: Healing doesn’t happen overnight. We should understand that healing is a process and takes time. It is not the same for everyone. Therefore, we can allow those grieving to express their feelings without judgment instead of boxing them or shutting them off.
Make contact: Regularly check in with the bereaved through calls or visits.
Graceful communication: Use empathetic, sensitive communication that avoids hurtful comments or questions.
So, today on National Grief Awareness Day, we must remember that it is our responsibility (as a society) to educate ourselves on grief and bereavement to provide a supportive environment for those grieving. By understanding these processes, society can help prevent the bereaved from becoming overwhelmed by their loss.
References
BREEN, L.J. 2021. Harnessing social support for bereavement now and beyond the COVID-19 pandemic. Palliat Care Soc Pract, 15, doi: 10.1177/2632352420988009
GREGORY, C. 2020. The Five Stages of Grief: An Examination of the Kubler- Ross Model. Available from: https://willingness.com.mt/the-five-stages-of-grief/ [06/06/2024].
KÜBLER-ROSS, E. n.d. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Available from: https://www.siue.edu/counseling/pdf/stages%20of%20grief.pdf [02/06/2024].
Thompson, S. 2019. Theories around loss & bereavement. Available from: https://www.sth.nhs.uk/clientfiles/File/Theory%20of%20Loss.pdf [02/06/2023].
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